I was only with Ian for about an hour tonight and he seemed to be having another sluggish day. He was half awake, but wasn’t really focusing with his eyes and didn’t really seem aware that we were with him. But he looks so much like himself and it’s such a blessing to be with him and hold his hand.

I often wonder what we look like from the outside. The other day I saw a patient who appears to be in a condition similar to Ian. I saw some of her family with her and was overwhelmed with pity for them. And then I realized that I’m the same as them- I just can’t see it. Sometimes I think though that it may be sadder looking from the outside. It might be sadder for people who only know Ian as he is now. The man that I fell in love with is still very much alive to me. When I’m pushing him in his chair, when I’m watching him in therapy, when I’m reminding him why he’s in a hospital, I’m with the same person who asked me on our first date last November. I don’t always see the wheelchair- I see my boyfriend. Being able to see Ian like this is only possible through God’s grace. I know the weakness of my own heart, but “He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

I don’t want to believe that the man that I love is gone or that Mary and Steve’s son as they know him to be is gone. I pray for faith to continue believing that he is with us now and will be until God fully restores him. And I’m praying for faith that if Ian doesn’t come back to us fully, our futures are still good and we will someday see him in heaven, completely healed. No matter what happens, Ian is a part of our lives. We will continue to love him through the love that God has given us.

“What joy above all joys to know that I am His everlasting and inalienable inheritance, given to Him by His father before the earth was formed! Everlasting love shall be the pillow on which I rest my head tonight.”
-Spurgeon