I had a particularly frustrating day today, where everything from adjusting to full-time work, to finding a back-up wedding site, to paying my first round of bills was mounting up. And it was mounting up on only me because Ian can’t do those things. When Ian and I first got to the new house tonight for dinner, I kept finding myself angry or annoyed at him because of his brain injury. I had a million things to do and was bitter at him that he wasn’t able to help me with any of it.

But then we took a walk (my only way of keeping Ian around after he said he was bored and wanted to go home), and even as we were walking away from the house I really felt like God was going to teach me something on that walk..

I was convicted about 1,000 times on our walk because of things Ian shared with me but also was freshly encouraged by the idea of mercy.

I remember when one of my greatest prayers was that Ian would be able to speak to me about his feelings for me. I didn’t question whether or not he still loved me, but I just wanted to hear it. I wanted to hear him thank me for giving him his medicine or give me a reason of why he likes being with me.

Ian shared so much with me tonight and encouraged me immensely in our decision to get married. As he was sharing his thoughts, I was freshly reminded of how I was witnessing an answered prayer. A prayer that, in that moment, I had forgotten I had ever prayed. It seems as though as soon as Ian regained his speech and started being able to do things like sharing his feelings with me, I all of a sudden moved on to the next thing that I wanted to see happen in him. But God brought me back to mercy tonight. I will forget again and again and again all of the answered prayers. I will continue to forget the gospel when I should be applying it. I will give in again and again to anger with Ian because of his disabilities. But there is mercy. God is rich in mercy. I know that He will bring moments, even brief, of refreshment and encouragement. I know God will give Ian and I great peaks together, even while we are in a very deep valley.

We are so grateful for mercy.

Larissa

Seeming to miss Steve more each day.

“my affliction has kept me closer to god because im always asking for his help. he’s lord and i’m aware of it.”

i have tons to learn from my husband.

And this is all an appropriate response to sickness, according to the Bible, particularly James 5. It’s just that we’ve done it so many times. And Ian is still severely disabled. He has been anointed by various pastors within our family of churches but he still has not been healed as we have asked. Steve was anointed, and prayed over, and he still died. Our good friend Beth has been anointed multiple times and has still suffered migraines for ten years.

So why do we keep anointing Ian and praying for healing? Why, even when I feel completely deflated, tired of asking the same thing, sick of standing at the front of the church for prayer and all too aware that Steve is gone which means it didn’t “work,” do we keep going forward?

I don’t know. My flesh doesn’t want to. My sinful nature doesn’t believe that God can do it. Because it hasn’t happened yet. And because my flesh is not long suffering.

But if I let go entirely of even the tiny grasp that I have on the truth that God can heal Ian, then I am disregarding who God is. God is able, but not required, to heal Ian. And it scares me to think that he won’t, because I don’t know what that means. I can’t figure out a God who doesn’t heal.

But as Steve often told me, even if God doesn’t heal Ian, He is still good. He will always be good. Even if my flesh can’t understand continued disability and sickness. And we can’t let ourselves forget that He is good and He is merciful. And that is why we still pray. And anoint. Because regardless of how I feel, the Bible tells me that God is able. So when I drag my feet toward expectant prayer and wrestle to believe in its effect, I am still praying to a good God. When my faith feels like a tiny thread, God has a stronghold on my life. When I offer up the weakest prayers, because of Jesus they are still beautiful and acceptable to God.

Thank you for your expectant prayers for four years.

Larissa

Thanks, as always.

the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning, great is your faithfulness

so happy to welcome our new nephew into the world.