“blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test of time he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” james 1:12
ian said that it’s hard to see now that “blessed is the man,” because this suffering doesn’t always feel like blessing. but of the following words in the verse, ian said “it makes me anxious for heaven, because i have a hope. and that’s a really good thing. The same desire might not be there if I didn’t have a brain injury.”
on sunday our pastor shared a word on how many in the body of Christ are fighting to bless God through tears and sickness and suffering, and what magnificent glory that brings to Him. in my heart this week at church was sin churning, unbelief, discouragement. my mind is filled with the “what ifs,”the “if onlys,” the “i can’t write on this blog, i’m a mess!” and the “please, God, just do this one thing.” but if i choose to not bless the Lord nor trust in His goodness, then my only other option is to curse Him. and how could i, when i see all that He has done, through the cross alone. the rest of this, along with our salvation, is grace. and we want to choose to bless, no matter how impossible it feels. and through those battles, the Holy Spirit comforts us and shows us peace and helps us to say, ‘bless the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not all His benefits.”
we are so excited for heaven. we may be crawling by the time we get there, but it will be so very worth it.
when i asked ian what i should write about tonight, he said “why you love living here.” what a good suggestion, because i have been thinking a lot this weekend about how much i love our little rental home. and how home is such a good thing, that somehow satisfies a tiny bit of our greater longing for heaven. as i write this, we’re enjoying a beautiful warm breeze on our porch, ian sitting comfortably with his legs up. a moment of rest for us both. devon is mowing our grass. the birds are shuffling from the clothesline to the trees above. our flatmate is quietly inside. and i love it.
creating a home is such a blessing. for me, it’s one part of our lives that i can somewhat control. the decorating, the colors, the mood that it creates, are all controllable for the most part. God frees us to create homes here that we love, where we feel comfortable, where we feel Him.
i’m thankful for our little 50s ranch house, with the big yard and porch that have created tons of memories with our friends and families. i’m grateful that Agnus who lived here before us planted beautiful flowers that still bloom and put hooks all around the porch where i can string my lights and curtains. i’m thankful that our first two years together have been spent here, on our quiet little street, tucked in by pine trees. and i’m grateful that this is but a mere shadow of what our home in heaven will feel like. now we see in part.
She seeks wool and flax and works with willing hands. – Proverbs 31:13
One of the hardest parts of my days is waking up while Ian is still asleep, entirely covered by our white down comforter. The birds are chirping outside, telling me to get back into bed and hold my best friend’s hand. But I can’t. I have to get his meds ready, get our lunches ready, leave notes for our caregivers, and leave at 7:00 a.m. to not be late.
And the kiss good-bye is the saddest. My heart is to be home, finishing the laundry, cleaning (I would probably get over that really fast), decorating, making a meal to deliver to someone, planning a menu, raising babies. I wish that I could still be in bed as Ian gets ready for work. But instead each morning so far, Lord willing, I have given him that kiss good-bye, and try to remind myself that I’m going to work for two main reasons – because I love God and I love my husband.
It would be easy as a young wife to think that it’s wrong for me to work. Not because anyone has ever said it or even implied, but because when given the option, many of my girlfriends have chosen to stay home with their babies or until babies arrive. It can be a lonely feeling facing a career when few other women that I interact with each day are at work 40 hours a week, or in a corporate environment at that.
I love my job and the provision it has been. But I wouldn’t choose a career, I don’t think. I did choose to marry Ian, though. And so even on the days that are the hardest to leave, there has to be joy knowing that I’m doing the work that God has called me to. Maybe someday I will stay home and raise babies, or work from home. But for now, I have to continue to fight to be thankful and remind myself that for me to walk out Proverbs 31 means high heels and a corporate title.
i’m thankful that it’s the end of the work week and it is 70 degrees. i’m thankful that i can hear our wind chimes on the clothes line and that i have an hour alone with an iced drink in my hand. and even though i have had laundry sitting in my washer since tuesday (anyone remember that post??), i’m thankful that my husband doesn’t really care if the clothes are washed.
“And He is full of grace. Ah! had He not been, I should never have been saved. He drew me when I struggled to escape from His grace; and when at last I came all trembling like a condemned culprit to His mercy-seat, He said, Thy sins, which are many, are all forgiven thee: be of good cheer.’
And He is full of truth. True have His promises been; not one has failed. I bear witness that never servant had such a master as I have; never brother such a kinsman as He has been to me; never spouse such a husband as Christ has been to my soul; never sinner a better Saviour; never mourner a better comforter than Christ hath been to my spirit. I want none beside Him. In life He is my life, and in death He shall be the death of death; in poverty Christ is my riches; in sickness He makes my bed; in darkness He is my star, and in brightness He is my sun; He is the manna of the camp in the wilderness, and He shall be the new corn of the host when they come to Canaan.
Jesus is to me all grace and no wrath, all truth and no falsehood: and of truth and grace He is full, infinitely full. My soul, this night, bless with all thy might the only Begotten.'”
Another day, and still amazed at what God has produced with this video. As I write this, our video has been played 305,000 times. We have been blessed to hear from so many kind people and it makes us look forward to heaven even more.
The below video is a little glimpse into our lives, by Desiring God, a ministry led by John Piper that has had an enormous impact on the way we view suffering. Here also is a link to the video and a letter as well.
“For I know that my redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin was been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself and my eyes shall behold, and not another.” Job 19:25
we found ourselves at a cottage this weekend, and are now getting to enjoy a warm morning on the porch. i was looking forwarding to morning, knowing that mercies would be anew. when i asked ian what he would like to post about, he said prayer requests and specifically that he would be able to walk.
