…is something that i’ve struggled with since ian’s accident. i vividly remember a conversation with steve in the kitchen about my struggle with seeing a brain injury as an act from a loving, sovereign god. when i strip away what has been produced as a result of ian’s accident, be it forms of sanctification, answered prayers, etc., and just look at the bare bones- that my husband has a horrible, life-changing brain injury- it feels nothing like love. ian’s brain injury itself hasn’t brought me comfort, or encouragement or anything else that would typically come with love.
for others out there reading who have experienced significant loss or ongoing disability, hopefully you can affirm, that this seems like it will be a life-long wrestling with what this trial “feels” like. i know in my head the truth of romans 8:28 that all things work together for good. i know that god is sovereign. i know that we are objects of his mercy and love, and not his wrath, because of what christ accomplished on the cross. but trying to get that to my heart when i get home at 4:00 and ian doesn’t remember that i was gone at work all day (which happens on occasion) is an entirely different monster. living with an ongoing disability as significant as ian’s will in turn, i know, produce beautiful fruit and eternal rewards. i know that we most rapidly become like christ when we are tested by fire. it’s just really painful getting there.
“But before I go, I want once more to tell you how good He is, how blessed it is to suffer with Him, how infinitely happy He has made me in the very hottest heat of the furnace. It will strengthen you in your trails to recall this my dying testimony. There is no wilderness so dreary but that His love can illuminate it, no desolation so desolate but that He can sweeten it. I know what I am saying. It is no delusion. I believe that the highest, purest happiness is known only to those who have learned Christ in sickrooms, in poverty, in racking suspense and anxiety, amid hardships, and at the open grave…To learn Christ, this is life!”” elizabeth prentiss
Arise, my soul, arise; shake off thy guilty fears;
The bleeding sacrifice in my behalf appears:
Before the throne my surety stands,
Before the throne my surety stands,
My name is written on His hands.
Steve is enjoying blessings greater than we can imagine, all because of what Christ did for us on the cross. Even just a few days of seasonal colds has been a good reminder to us of how fleeting and weak our bodies are. It was not long ago that we watched Steve pass from this life into the next, and in a few short weeks went from an incredibly active father and husband to being raised into heaven with Christ. And it won’t be long until we are there with him. And it won’t matter what we bought for christmas this year, or how much money we made at work or what smartphone we had. How my heart is so easily taken up with such insignificant things. It wasn’t long ago that we were in an ICU with Ian, and then with Steve, and eternity was much more clearly hanging in the balance. I want to live knowing that I will soon die, and I want that knowledge to be so wonderfully sweet that I yearn for it even more.
we had a really nice thanksgiving weekend with the whiteley family, which started with a photo shoot with my sister and her baby belly. today, however, the murphy house has been taken over by head colds and a mini-flu, so hopefully it passes quickly!!!!
In 2005, Ian and David did a series called Drowning Melville. Vinegar Hill, their company, has re-released the shorts, one per week on what has been designated as Melville Mondays. I have added a link for the first and second chapters. I”ll try to post each Monday. These are hilarious and are a great reminder of who Ian is.
I couldn’t help but share this excerpt from morning and evening by charles spurgeon that we read this evening:
“So walk ye in Him” – Col. 2:6
If we have received Christ Himself in our inmost hearts, our new life will manifest its intimate acquaintance with Him bya walk of faith in Him.Walking impliesaction.Our religion is not to be confined to our closet; we must carry out into practical effect that which we believe. If a man walks in Christ, then he so acts as Christ would act; for Christ being in him, his hope, his love, his joy, his life, he is the reflex of the image of Jesus; and men say of that man, “He is like his Master; he lives like Jesus Christ.” Walking signifiesprogress.“So walk ye in Him”; proceed from grace to grace, run forward until you reach the uttermost degree of knowledge that a man can attain concerning our Beloved. Walking impliescontinuance.There must be a perpetual abiding in Christ. How many Christians think that in the morning and evening they ought to come into the company of Jesus, and may then give their hearts to the world all the day: but this is poor living; we should always be with Him, treading in His steps and doing His will. Walking also implieshabit.When we speak of a man’s walk and conversation, we mean his habits, the constant tenour of his life. Now, if we sometimes enjoy Christ, and then forget Him; sometimes call Him ours, and anon lose our hold, that is not a habit; we do notwalkin Him. We must keep to Him, cling to Him, never let Him go, but live and have our being in Him. “As ye have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in Him”; persevere in the same way in which ye have begun, and, as at the first Christ Jesus was the trust of your faith, the source of your life, the principle of your action, and the joy of your spirit, so let Him be the same till life’s end; the same when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and enter into the joy and the rest which remain for the people of God. O Holy Spirit, enable us to obey this heavenly precept.
I need to live much more closely to this than I do now. and nothing other than our marriage has made me see that more clearly.