This spring, two of my friends and I are running a 5k to support brain cancer research. No obligation whatsoever, but I wanted to share the link to offer support. I know that for me, doing this somehow makes me feel like I’m doing something good.
My heart does not have a natural inclination to gratefulness. I’ve seen this pattern so many times especially in my life with Ian. I pray for mercies and small evidences of healing, and then when they come, I get used to them and forget where we have come from. Instead, I grow discontent because I want more and more healing. Living with a hope deferred is a very tricky thing.
Today I want to remember at least one thing to be thankful for- swimming. Last night Ian and I went to Zink pool and got in the water with just the help of the lifeguard. Once we were down the ramp, we were able to be by ourselves. Last summer, getting in the water took me, Steve and Caleb. And someone had to be next to us the whole time. Even transfers, something that used to take at least two people, is something that the two of us can do by ourselves. And we don’t need to use that silly hoyer lift anymore. Ian’s strong enough to do it on his own. And he gets mad at me when I do a “horrible transfer”, in his own words- but that just makes me laugh because it’s a wonderful thing that he can get annoyed at me.
There are still many things left undone in Ian, and many things that we long to see in him. At least for today, I need to remember mercy.
We finally got out on a date tonight- the first in probably more than two months thanks to sickness and the weather. Longest winter ever on so many levels.
Ian wanted prayer for comfort- he’s missing Steve a lot.
One of the biggest ripples of Steve’s death is how it’s changed our longing for heaven. Ian and I know that the ultimate joy of heaven is Christ. We get that. But we can’t help but be just as excited, if not more, to see Steve again and experience his perfect love for us. Steve is not more important than Christ, but Ian and I have a very clear understanding of what Steve’s love for us was here on earth. To counter that, sometimes it’s really hard to understand God’s love and sometimes doesn’t feel as tangible as the love we have from our earthly father. Steve is Ian’s dad. Steve was a father figure to me, second only to my own dad. Steve loves us now with a perfect, sinless love. We think about how well he cared for us on earth, multiply that by a million, and that is the perfect love that he has stored up for us just waiting to shower us with when we get to heaven with him.
I asked Ian if this train of thought is unbiblical, and he said it’s not, because we have such finite minds. Steve’s love for us on earth is a reflection of Christ’s love for us. Steve’s death should make us long for heaven more. Gosh, we can’t wait to see him again.
We talked about heaven tonight, and when I asked Ian what he’s looking forward to about heaven, he said “what isn’t there to look forward to?” He then told me that he’s excited for a new body. I can’t wait for that.
Thank you all for praying. Wanting heaven more and more each day.
Ian and I were featured in our local newspaper today for a Valentine’s story. It was very well-written and was really honoring to our situation. Thanks, Sam, for great reporting:)
Thanks to Ben and Jan’s planning and the help of many other friends, we had a beautiful engagement party Friday night at the Heritage House in Indiana. Thank you everyone who helped!!! Jan- you’re the best. I would post more photos, but I don’t feel like I can without people signing publicity releases……..
