Blog Category: “marriage”


our anniversary

By admin,

Screen shot 2014-09-02 at 8.24.18 AM

Sitting on the couch, the night before our anniversary – it’s not glorious but it’s what The Lord has given us. And it’s what I wanted for years.

Tomorrow, hundreds of people will read about our life when the book releases. It’s exposing, but good.

Tomorrow is our anniversary.

Here’s to Larissa sticking it out for another 12 long months. They’ve been the best 12 months of my life, because I’m with the one I love.

Four years down and a lifetime to go, Squirt. I love you.

  Filed under: "marriage", gratefulness
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invest

By admin,

 this weekend was for flying south, far away from the below zero temps and white flakes.

to reward the work of writing 75,000 words

 and to invest in our marriage all that this coming year may drain from it.

and peace and rest met us, an answer to many prayers, and in the ways we wouldn’t have thought possible.
and his dad might not have ever imagined we could have done it.
but we did. because God has done much.

  Filed under: "a disabled life", "marriage", "our writing", gratefulness
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the littles

By admin,

“if i were him, i’d just want someone to hold me,” steve said, one day, years ago, when ian was still really sick and steve was still alive.

i knew what he meant because in the desperation of ian’s condition those first few weeks, months after the accident, there was nothing we could do for ian. except to show him we loved him.

but there was always a bed in the way. and i wasn’t strong enough to lift his stiff torso toward me.

or there was always a wheelchair in the way, and he couldn’t lean forward so i could get a good wrap in.

so at night, when steve and the care giver would help ian sit up on the exercise mat steve built, i would wait. and sit and wait. and cancel plans because i didn’t want to miss that moment. that moment when steve would open the bedroom door and let me know that i could come in and hug him.

i could put my arms all the way around him. because he was sitting on the edge of his exercise mat, nothing behind him.

my torso was holding his up, but i was around him.

and he tried to lift his arm to be around me, too.

and i forget those times, when a hug was all it took to get me through another day. how ungrateful i’ve allowed myself to become, forgetting that one of the greatest gifts, holding and being held, is right next to me every day.

it’s  there and it’s so sweet. and he now always  wants to be with his wifey. and when someone starts to pray, he reaches for my hand. and when i sit next to him, his arm wraps my waist. and sometimes he squeezes the extra skin that wasn’t there a few years ago and we laugh because he’s not supposed to notice but we have changed in these nine years.

God gives us joys in the littles.

He gives us joy when we look for it in the most over-looked movements.

and even though i forget, what a great God there is surrounding me.

tonight, i’m thankful for arms that wrap me into him tight.

  Filed under: "God Himself", "marriage", gratefulness
  Comments: 20


a spark

By admin,

we were talking about the acronym the pastor gave us, reminding us about the ways of love, how they look and feel and act.

we were sitting in a small room, circled together, thinking on how we distribute love and who we know that does it so well.

“ian, how are we to love our spouses?”, our group leader asked.

“thinking of them before yourself.”

we kept reflecting on love and what it looks like and then what i always fear happened, as i saw the effect of a catheter that decided to stop working. i saw on the floor what is always on my mind in public; i saw my own example of what joni eareckson tada has spoken of many times before, the fears that remain into adulthood when disability lives in your body.

i left the room quickly, discreetly, to find what i needed to hide it, remove it, fix it.

when i came back into the room, she stood up and moved closely to us, gently reminding us that we were family. gently reminding us that we need not be embarrassed, that they loved and would help us.

and there it happened, the love that we were speaking of, the acting out of Jesus death and what it did for us. they helped us to the car. they cleaned up after us when we left. they joyfully loved.

in the safety of our car,

“ian, i’m so sorry. i’m so sorry that those embarrassing things happen.”

then tears because it was a hard week and because lies were making a home in my heart.

“ian, i don’t understand this. i hate this.”

“joy is closer than you think.”

“how can you handle this? i’m so sick of this brain injury.”

“God gives me joy in the stupid things, like caths breaking.”

i asked him how, because i didn’t get how he could be laughing, while he sat in wet sweat pants, and while i cried.

“because this is all so fleeting.”

then quietly, in our little white car, his truth knocked out the lies in my head. his Psalm 73 truth cut through the lies that i was believing.

and there, in the midst of the week that was holding anything other than hope, i experienced the little miracles that i had read about earlier that morning. the little miracles of hope.

in the midst of a week of crying and longing and heaviness, the miracle of Jesus, living out in my husband, living out in our small group, who entered into our lives and put on Jesus love instead of selfishness or judgement.

and deep inside, a little spark grew, just a fraction, but enough to remind us.

“God is in this.”

  Filed under: "a disabled life", "God Himself", "marriage"
  Comments: 23


new

By admin,

we tucked ourselves underneath the feathers of our big fluffy spread, our goose bumps giving in to their warmth. i sat with our bible opened on my knees, a hot cup of tea within my reach for us to share.

“what do you want to do for our quiet time,” he had asked, a question that spurs smiles because it means he’s feeling well.

we’ve been reading proverbs, and so made our way there again.

All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit.

we were sharing our hearts, how differently we see ourselves than how God sees us.

Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished. 

our patterns, so similar, mine not as refined as his. the habit of anger and pride, that lead to destruction but are so hard to overcome.

“ian, i know i’ve been given a new heart. but sometimes my old self, that still wants to sin, feels so nearby.”  

“it is. that’s why we need Jesus.”

in seven words he takes me to the heart of it, to the heart of my human-ness. in those words he takes me to the heart of our marriage – a relationship that helps me to love and fear God more.

these moments, they are beautiful.

love
 

  Filed under: "God Himself", "marriage", gratefulness
  Comments: None


love is

By admin,

 it’s easy to recite the verse, the one that we hear at weddings and memorize in sing-song tones as children.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.


it’s easy to hear it, and know it, but to really sink into our bones is different. patience is still sinking in to mine, and nothing has pressed patience into me more than our marriage. because life with a brain injury is slow. and it’s  unknown. and it’s not clearcut.

which creates a greater void that needs to be filled with patience. which is exactly where i need to be stripped. which is why God gave me to ian.


i needed him to help me learn patience.

like when he doesn’t answer me as quickly as i want him to. 


or when i just really want him to be able to walk on his own. (because even in the midst of the excitement of his progress, my heart still sins).


or when we don’t yet have what we think we need.


i. i. i. that’s what i make it about. the root of my inpatience is my selfishness.


and if someone had been watching, filming, observing my heart and outward acts for the last two days toward my husband, they would not see love that was kind, or un-resentful or patient.


i don’t see that in myself.


but i do see my god, hanging on a tree for me, that my impatience might not separate me from him. i see his blood traveling down his body and onto his toes and drip on the ground so that i not be lost in my sin. 


i see his head slumped down by death so that i my face may be lifted up to gaze in His face on the ressurrection day.


this was done for me. and for our marriage.

  Filed under: "God Himself", "marriage", "the dross"
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all

By admin,

this weekend we head to the mountains, to where this marriage began. as we prepare to reunite with those that sat beside us under the chandelier, i think about all of the details that made that day magical.

and all of the people that made it perfect.
 
and the husband who has made three years worth every cost.
we’ll all be there together, again. and the babies that were in the bellies of the flowered dresses will be scampering through the grass. and all will feel well, for now.

  Filed under: "family", "marriage", gratefulness
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it’s not pity

By admin,

i struggle sometimes with the focus of our blog, our book, our encouragement from others. sometimes the encouragement, unintentionally, makes ian into an object of pity. 
sometimes ian’s value is sacrificed with a well-intended encouragement to me.
sometimes all i hear is that i’ve made a sacrifice. that i’ve made a hard choice. that i’m the focus.
sometimes we forget that the one who is disabled has made a sacrifice.
as we sat this weekend at a film festival, i looked at ian sitting next to me. i listened to the screen, to the documentary voices telling me about the gift of stepping into the darkness of loss and disability and grief.
i looked at ian who i came into this darkness with and who is a pure gift to me.
i didn’t know how to love until ian. i didn’t know how to love until God led us into darkness, together. 
ian has fought for seven years. ian has entered into marriage knowing that he would have infinite losses. he knew that he would be marrying someone who wouldn’t always feel in love with him and who wouldn’t always be kind. he knew that he would live an entire life of giving up his preferences and thinking of someone else first and making hard decisions for the sake of Christ, all with a disability. he could have given up or chosen despair or been afraid that God couldn’t keep our love.
i asked ian last night why he married me.
laughing, “because I love you.”
ian is not to be pitied. i am not to be pitied. God is to be rejoiced. 
the foundation of all that we are is love. love saved us. love moves us. love molds us. 
this, for us, was not learned in health.

  Filed under: "a disabled life", "God Himself", "marriage"
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how i’m fighting for joy

By admin,


particularly in this season, our daily battle to believe and know that truth always conquers is a deeper and longer battle than usual. and so i’m trying to teach myself and pray for ways to fight for joy and mental clarity and hope. below is my list so far – of which all are underlined and supported by and kept in by grace.
marriage gratitude journal – a little journal, sent to me by a sweet blog reader, devoted solely to capturing the gratefulnesses i have in ian and him as my husband
exercise – to clear and empty my brain and keep me healthy to serve ian
date nights – wednesdays are reserved. and in a few weeks, after our first deadline, we’re taking a week to devote solely to dates. no writing.
prayer – growing in my commitment. fasting on wednesdays. spending time thinking about and praying for something/someone other than myself
sleep – a time to escape
thank you for praying for our writing and our marriage.

  Filed under: "marriage", "our writing", gratefulness
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his heart

By admin,

i was facing the screen, my gaze perpendicular to his. i looked over to see him looking at me, his left eye scrunched.
laughing, “why do you look so angry?”, i asked.
“i’m not angry at all.”
“what are you thinking about?”
“you. and how much i love you.”
“what specifically?”
“how your smile works wonders for me.”
deep inside his heart is a spring overflowing with the love that the Holy Spirit has placed inside of him. through loss and a thought process that can be compared to wading through thick, dense, jelly, he gives love and he gives me life. this man that i fall asleep next to every night has done more for my soul than i could have ever done on my own.
please continue to pray for ian.

  Filed under: "a disabled life", "marriage"
  Comments: None