i avoided it for seven months, but today i had the guts to weakly type our names into Google. then i had the guts to read comments on people’s blogs, primarily made after the release of our video on Desiring God.

not really so fun.

“ian, people are saying uncomfortable things about us on the internet.”

“who?”

“people who have seen our video.”

“what are they saying?”

“some that our marriage isn’t legal and that you have the mentality of an eight-year-old.”

“you don’t believe them, right?”

“trying not to.”

“they don’t know us.”

that’s where it begins and ends. we’ve entered into a very public life, willingly, and we enter that with fear and trembling. we know and respect that we can have differing views. and we know that we are nothing extraordinary. we live in the midst of sin and fears and temptations. maybe we could have made the video differently. maybe i could have worded things differently. but eight minutes never sums up a life.

along with a public life comes scrutiny, and disagreement and other things that can feel really uncomfortable.

but, i can’t help but feel the need to clear up two things, as maybe my lack of clearing them up has confused some people. ian does not have the mentality of an eight year old (an eight year old could not have given the answer of “stool pigeon” during a round of taboo last night) and yes, we do have sex.

we also love God and are in love with each other. we continue to pray for wisdom and discretion in this  public role, as we embark on speaking engagements and writing a book. but we mostly pray that heaven would  be oh so near.

thank you, for praying for ian.

love
i&l

  Filed under: "a disabled life", "marriage"
  Comments: None

i showed him the abnormal cake that i had pulled from the oven, the partially broken circle that was disguised by a can of icing. he had requested one for our date night, that would be a wifey-cooked meal and time with netflix. i stopped for icing and orange sprinkes on my way home – a nod to fall.

  Filed under: "marriage", gratefulness
  Comments: None

  Filed under: "a disabled life", "marriage", "the dross"
  Comments: None

  Filed under: "family", "marriage"
  Comments: None

  Filed under: "family", "marriage", "work/life"
  Comments: None

from a journal:


1-7-07


“God is very kind to us. we found out yesterday that your jaw isn’t broken, your eeg results were fine, and they cancelled your plastic surgery appointment tomorrow because your wound looks so good. also, this morning you were coughing as if maybe you were going to throw up, so the nurse asked you if you were ok and you said “uh huh.” they asked you again and you did it again! God is so kind. and you did it in front of two head nurses and your doctor! i’d been praying that you would get your voice back soon and it seems as if you are well on your way. God is very gracious to us. you were really awake for me today. you were working really hard to bring your washcloth to your face, even when the therapists were done asking you to do it.”


this voice did come back, even in a very tired body. and this meant that things could change.


4.21.09


“trusting God – the story of my walk with the Lord this far. last night steve had a long talk with me and then with Ian about marriage. we’re starting to talk about it more seriously i guess. it makes me really nervous and really excited at the same time. i really believe though that ian needs to be in a different place physically for our marriage to work. but then again, what will that look like? what exactly are we waiting for? i’m not sure. but it’s weird to think that we could be married soon. it’s all wonderful, but if ian stays the same as he is now, it certainly won’t be what we imagined it to be.


but when i look at my life through the lens of the gospel, marriage to ian looks very sweet and wonderful, even if we were to be married tomorrow. God has given me a deep love, joy and attraction to ian, that has only increased in the last three years. when i am away from ian, i want to die. not literally, but i don’t enjoy it. and nothing brings a smile to my face like seeing ian, and hearing him talk, and hearing him laugh.


all of this talk though forces me onto my knees at the foot of the cross, acknowledging that i have absolutely no idea what is best for my life or ian’s, or what would honor the Lord most. so we will keep praying.”


we did keep praying. as did steve. and then cancer came. and steve went. but not before he taught us to take marriage seriously, and to keep God big in our minds.


we did. on his birthday in 2010. two years ago today. standing at the top of the hill, my arm resting in my dad’s elbow, a quick breeze came through the corn stalks rustling behind us. the sadness of his absence welled.


my dad walked me, both weak, unsure but happy, toward my waiting, disabled fiance. the summer air greeted us and i’m sure God was there in it. my sweet, sweet ian, he was there. so very happy to marry me. my best friend. next to his best friend, who helped him to stand. and we met God there and we said yes.


i dont know if we have birthdays in heaven, but steve you are so missed by us. today, but always.


and ian, you may not read this unless someone reads it to you. but nothing here is a better gift to me than you. and no words describe what you do for me and my heart. through oceans of grief and loss, from being trapped in that car to now holding my arm as you fall asleep, you are a delight. thank you, for not being afraid of what you couldn’t do as a husband, for not choosing to give up, for somehow loving me. you every day help me to want heaven more.


the words you sang to me on my voicemail, weeks before your accident, are a ditto:


I can’t see me lovin’ nobody but you
For all my life
When you’re with me, baby the skies’ll be blue
For all my life


i love you. and our two years. may many more follow.


love
your wifey

  Filed under: "marriage"
  Comments: None

i know that comparisons lead to nothing for me. and probably anyone. if i look at another marriage that seems healthy, healthier than mine, it leads to discontentment. if i look at a marriage or life situation that seems harder than ours, it can lead to pride. either way, i’m doomed in comparison.

and when it comes to marriage, it seems like we’re all so totally different. what ian and i struggle with is different than our brother and sister. some marriages have relational harmony what seems like all the time and others are wrought with conflict. the more i talk to girlfriends, the more i learn that God has an array of ways that he prunes and pursues us in marriage. for some, it may be through prosperity – which can do scary things to our hearts. for others, their marriage is a constant battle through conflict, differing personalities, unmet expectations and loss of romantic feelings.

but it seems, in our tiny little experience of marriage so far, that those marriage, that spend their lives battling, battling and battling, are simply so beautiful. because when those marriages last, through what the world wouldn’t, it is like a megaphone to the world of God’s design. when those covenants are kept, the rewards in heaven must be great.

i&l

  Filed under: "marriage"
  Comments: 10

  Filed under: "marriage"
  Comments: None

on my worst days, the really bad days, thoughts and doubts and fears grind through my mind, “should we have done this? can our marriage really last our whole lifetime? will i be miserable by age 30?” the fears are suffocating and isolating and overwhelming. especially when i keep them trapped inside my own mind and don’t share them with ian, or a close friend, or even my journal.

these seasons are long and scary. what if i ruin my marriage? why if i become so bitter that i don’t even like my husband anymore? what if we never have relief from this?

recently as these thoughts were pummeling through my head, i think God cleverly and gently reminded me that leaving is not an option. i have made a covenant. and so spending time thinking on these fears was only producing in my heart a growing thought pattern that may someday build up to significant bitterness toward my spouse. significant bitterness that would feel trapped inside a covenant. it is not an option for our marriage to end. this is it. we’re in it. it’s too late to spend time on doubts and fears. like our wise dad told us before he passed away, someday we would have to look back on our decision to get married and know that we did it in faith, 10, 20, 50 years from now.

and this covenant is not meant to be a trap, so why waste my time there? i pray for good days and good thoughts toward my husband. and God does answer them. some days feel grueling (more to come another post on that) but even in the grinding, God can and will produce a sweetness for us. because He designed marriage. and he already has.

thank you, always, for praying
i&l

  Filed under: "marriage", "the dross"
  Comments: None

I recently did an interview with Boundless radio, which you can listen to here. We start about 22 minutes in.

Also, you can learn more about Boundless here.

What a blessing to be part of their mission!

  Filed under: "marriage"
  Comments: None