why i don’t like fall (and probably never will)

| Comments: 5

it’s becoming “then.”

the air is changing.

it flows through my chest more harshly, less the hotness of summer.

the leaves sound angrier underfoot and the dew has gone into slumber.

and all the sounds and smells and pumpkins that end up on peoples kitchen tables remind me of what fall took from me.

what left me on september 30 in a ford station wagon

what left us on october 8 while sleeping in bed.

some of us know that “then” hurts, and it always will. the way it smelled when he left. the temperature the day you miscarried. the way the grass felt in the cemetery. there’s no use pretending it doesn’t hurt. because the triggers to “then” are real. because the smells take us bac to “then” faster than we want to go.

and it’s ok to be feeling the “thens.”

there was someone who knew, “where God tears great gaps we dare not fill with mere human words.”

there was One who was sorrowful unto death.

because hurting and wanting to hide and flooding with memories means we love.

and deep love makes us bleed.

love

L

subscribe via email

Feedback

  Comments: 5

  1. The feeling is known to me. Not just from circumstances but also from errors I have made. I am so quick to laugh and redirect my focus but its not that deep below the surface that the sadness dwells. My deepest despair lingers in my memories. Once again I take a breath and in breathing I remember that’s not my life but His. His breath moving in and through me. All because of Jesus. And in those moments of darkness I know I am not alone. Jesus sees my darkness and reminds me His grace redeems all things. Its going yo worth it. Its going to be worth it soon.

    Reply

  2. I’m sorry, Larissa, for what was taken from you and for the pain that this season’s particular beauty and joy now bring you. I wish I could bring you back to the place where the simple pleasures were untainted. I can’t, though, so I’m going to pray instead that autumn would extend into your heart–that God would let your prior desires and delights land gently as they fall and that their slow death would be beautiful in his eyes. I’m also going to pray that God will not let anything die in your heart unless it really is part of God’s bringing you greater joy and renewed life.

    Reply

  3. No words, only prayers for peace and comfort. I sit in a similar place in November.

    Reply

  4. I stumbled upon your blog recently and have read a small portion of it so far. There are no words to tell how much you two have inspired my heart! Bless you!

    Reply

  5. so beautifully expressed. thank you, rissa.

    Reply

Your feedback