this is year ten.

year ten of the life that we’ve needed to love, even though we wouldn’t have chosen it. in finding myself reflecting on ten, all that has come and all that has gone, we fluctuate between gratefulness and grief.

you’ll hear about year ten more on here, our long-neglected blog. like my thoughts from this morning, when for some reason, my moments in the bible were taking me back to what those moments felt like before ten.

a young college student (a baby really) eager to read things I’d never read before. journaling as I studied Jesus, seeing all the ways my life would change by following Jesus.

my quiet moments journal was filled with hope for my future, especially a future with this hot new boy i was dating.

they were such innocent moments with Jesus.

now into ten, it’s not so innocent. and I see that throughout the ten, maybe even immediately following that phone call on september 30, it’s been grueling.

my morning moments have sometimes taken long, long breaks.

they’ve become battle grounds.

they’ve often led to more questions than peace.

they’ve been one-sentence pleads.

they’ve been filled by children’s books (something my brain could actually understand), two minute prayers, books that talk about God but mainly make me laugh but they were easier to understand than the bible, and in very rare times, braving the Old Testament.

my quiet moments weren’t as simple after September 30.

they weren’t simple acceptance of scripture anymore. they required faith. faith that the words were true, despite what I saw when I looked at the hurting man in bed next to me.

looking back this morning, imagining the baby college student me, i can’t say yet that I’m grateful that the moments are a battle.

but i can say that I’m grateful the battle has already been won by Jesus and heaven will never be taken from me. no matter what the next ten brings.

-L