why i need him
we had spent three magical days together at the lake, but that didn’t ensure that i would be kind.
and so i was saying those unkind things to him on our trip home, those unkind things that well up in my heart and feel as though they have to be uttered. even though when they are, he is torn down. and He is dishonored.
in the midst of it, as his straight leg sat propped up in the passenger seat, in his failed catheter mess, he reached for my hand.
i told him i didn’t want to hold it. because i didn’t feel that i deserved it with so much anger shooting into the air of our car. and i didn’t like him in that moment.
“why would you want to hold my hand when i’m being so mean?”
“because you need it.”
“why?”
“you need to know that someone loves you.”
silence.
the air pulled out of me.
there he was again, those few words. those few words that weren’t angry back. that weren’t judging me. that weren’t yelling at me.
he was tender.
while i sent forth words that cut, he offered words that bind.
and he did not treat me as i deserved.
there it was again, that picture, painted in front of me of what Christ’s love looks like.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103
God met me in that car, my hand humbly reaching for my husband’s. my husband who was not treating me as i deserved. who was showing me love, instead. who was showing me a taste of the infinite love my Father has for me, always.
it’s why i need him.
l
Kim
November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am
Praising the Lord for your humility in the midst of His Grace… that we ALL NEED DESPERATELY each day… whether we admit it or not.
Scarlett Jones
July 22, 2014 at 10:15 pm
Always a timely encouragement from you, who God uses to encourage so many brothers and sisters throughout the world! Even down here, in little New Zealand! xo
Kimberly Michelle Kinman
July 22, 2014 at 10:18 pm
This so touched my heart, thank you for sharing.
Ellen Jeffery
July 22, 2014 at 10:45 pm
One of the most courageous and scary things a person can do is to confront their own sins. To admit it publicly is even more brave. You have my admiration because you are stronger than most of us. Thank you for sharing a humble moment. It humbles me and teaches me of the glory of God.
Chelsea
July 22, 2014 at 10:58 pm
this encouraged me so much tonight. My husband is exactly how you described yours, incredibly patient with my need to get things off my chest, he never retaliates if I push his buttons and he always forgives me quickly.
Gina
July 22, 2014 at 11:27 pm
I love your story. I love your transparency. I love your honesty. I love your love for Ian. I love your love for our Heavenly Father. Thank you for sharing all of these things with us.
Yvonne R.
July 22, 2014 at 11:32 pm
That is a beautiful example of our Heavenly Father’s compassion….
Kim Griffith
July 22, 2014 at 11:55 pm
Oh, I have been there many times as well. I knew what I was going to say would be hurtful but felt I just had to say it. My husband is like your Ian. Patient with me and my sharp tongue. Praise God for that.
becky miller jacobsen
July 23, 2014 at 3:57 am
Larissa,
Isn’t God good? I am so glad that in your faithfulness to both God and Ian that when you stumble you still rise. Not alone, but with your Heavenly Father and your Christ-like earthly husband. Your pure love does not return void. Praying for you and Ian. Go Team Ian.
Becky Miller Jacobsen
Amanda Marie
July 23, 2014 at 5:09 am
I am not a religious person myself but I love following your story and this brought tears to my eyes. My partner has that kind of love for me and it is truly moving. You are certainly blessed. And so is Ian for being with someone who, despite being angry, can feel that love and respond.
Vanessa Amaya Contreras
July 23, 2014 at 5:05 pm
this was beautiful, thank you so much for sharing.
Marcos
July 24, 2014 at 5:40 pm
Thanks for sharing this love teaching you received from our Lord. Glory to Him.
Alice Carroll
July 29, 2014 at 11:37 am
Dear Larissa
Thankyou for being so beautifully honest. Thankyou for being willing to share with us all and to encourage us by your words.
Kimberly
August 13, 2014 at 7:42 am
Thank you for sharing so transparently as you do. It is encouraging to come here and relate to what you are sharing about your heart and your sanctification.
I hope some day I can share our story with you as well and the part your story played in ours. 🙂
<3
PS: So excited for your book to come out soon.
Hoping it will be on audio also, so I can share it with some friends (who don’t like to read but will listen if it’s on audio.).
Ms Grumpy
August 23, 2014 at 9:45 am
Dear Larissa,
This is the second time I am reading this post – and it still brings me to tears each time.
As a young 21 year old ‘lady’ dealing with an unattractive character of anger issues, you perfectly described how I feel most of the time – rotten, and undeserving of love. But it is in these times when I’m most unlovable that I understand the ‘amazing grace’ that comes from the people who still continue to love me, even after seeing me at my worst.
Thank you, for sharing something so raw and vulnerable.
Carol Lucas
September 16, 2014 at 12:32 am
Your post moved me to tears. Thank you for your honesty in writing this. I am touched by the fact that Jesus reaches down and takes my hand in the same way when I do not deserve that love. God bless you.
Carrie
September 17, 2014 at 2:23 pm
This has honestly put me in tears as I read this. I am truly humbled and can only strive to have this type of love with my fiance and our future marriage. Your encouraging words were exactly what I needed to hear today of course it was by the grace of God that I did. Thank for for your uplifting words.